All the single ladies!

To all the single ladies desiring a Godly man.

Disclaimer: If you are desiring a man to make yourself feel better or because you are alone, that is the exact opposite of what you need and will only lead to failure. At the end of the day, it's important to desire to be his helper, his encourager and his friend. He isn't supposed to be your pleasure puppy. Remember…

“ A woman’s heart should be so lost in God (first!), that a man must seek Him to find her.”

While I have been starting and restarting over and over a blog entry directed towards YOU gals, it always seems to fail me. It doesn’t seem to touch my heart the way I would have wanted it to if I were to have written to myself the same blog when I was single. So for now, I just want to say this: If you are single “and ready to mingle” with the hope of finding a husband in the end, don’t stress yourself out. Some women go through a lot of “bad eggs” before God brings the right one into their life. Sometimes, it’s the first guy you date.

 For Mark, I was his first girlfriend which makes me feel extremely special. He learned a lot and sometimes I felt like the guinea pig, but it’s such a blessing to know I was and will always be the only girl he ever loved. My story is different though as he wasn’t my first boyfriend (but the only man I ever truly loved, thanks be to God!). And while in a way, I wish our stories to be the same, mine comes with a unique twist. My husband is a very unique young man; he is extremely special. He has the biggest heart I have ever seen and had I not gone through the hardships (and I mean hard!) that I had pre-Mark (in all relationships with men both dating-wise and outside that realm), I wouldn’t respect him or appreciate him the way I do today, which will grow tomorrow and so on. There was beauty in the pain I thought would destroy me years ago when I thought “I’ll never get married. No one will love me. I’m not good enough.” Blah, blah, blah. So, for now, ma’ single sista’s, I leave you with these questions to ask yourself, along with some homework.

·         What can I do now to better equip myself as a help meet for my future husband? ( check out Proverbs 31:10-31)

o   Write a list! Examine yourself. Take it seriously and work at making that list a reality.

·         What are the traits of a Godly husband that I desire? ( check out 1 Peter 3:8-17)

o   Write a list! State the obvious (Man of strong faith, kind, patient, responsible, pure, etc.) and the not-so-obvious traits (good cook, likes watching movies, fashionable, likes to travel, etc.) you would like which makes you a distinct woman with your own likes and dislikes. Remember that over time this list is subject to change (I married a blond man when I always dreamed of brown hair) and feel free to explain in detail to yourself some of those traits!

·         I’ve made my share of mistakes with guys in the past. What can I learn from them? How can I prevent those same mistakes with the next man in my life?(check out my favorite passage, found during testing times, 1 Peter 5:8-11)

o   Ask the Lord for forgiveness and write a plan of attack if and when sin tries to enter into your next relationship and present it before yourself and significant other when the time is right. That might be as soon as you decided to date each other or that might be when you start to become more physically comfortable. Be honest! Set rules. Create boundaries.

·         I’m single right now and while I might wish otherwise, I have more “free time” to myself so why not pick up a new hobby; why not find something positive to do! What is something I’ve always wanted to learn? Where have I always wanted to go? (check out Ecclesiastes 11:9)

o   Do it! Follow through! If anything, you learn a few new things and get your mind off of yourself.Find something positive to focus on that you might uplift your life and grow in the Lord, full of rejoicing and happiness.

·         Dating is practice for marriage and in marriage, a wife is to submit to her husband in love. Since I don’t have a husband yet or a boyfriend to practice this trait with, how is my relationship with my earthly father in practice of authority and most importantly, with my heavenly Father? Am I submitting to either’s guidance? How do I generally respect the men in my life? (check out Ephesians 5:21)

o   How you treat, respond to and respect your father, brother and even close male friends all taps in to how you will treat your husband after the “bubblies,” “butterflies,” and “gigglies” wear off and you’re both used to each other. Spend this time as great practice for equipping yourself as a woman who upholds, encourages and loves a man to be all he can in the Lord.

·         Pray for your future husband. (check out Colossians 1:3-8)

o   There is no better way to start supporting and loving him than before the two of you ever meet. Besides, he might be going through all the same emotions you might be at this exact time too!

 Above all else, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

There are so many other things to nibble on, but I have found these to be some of the most applicable in my life. Let me know what you think and Lord willing, these will help you get started in utilizing your singlehood to mold you more into the wife you desire in the Lord to be.

Hang in there, sisters.

Bethany ♥

You insult yourself - you insult his wife. A confession from the editor.

I created this blog to share the truths - the truths of marriage. Not every marriage is the same. Each is unique while all holding the same basic principals for success. But what a lot of young women I have spoken with seem to think is that after you get married, it becomes about you and Mr. Perfect. All the other "stuff" before just goes away and you start your "new" life together. Even I was a little bit under this spell, as I think most brides are a little bit entitled to some fairytale drama during the emotion-packed engagement process, I knew from the beginning that my story, my life, would bring enough baggage to deal with thoughout my marriage. Truth is, nothing is really new when a man and woman join together. Lord willing, the two of you are virgins and it's the first time you've both lived together (and all which that entails...). If not, there is forgiveness in that - easily. But I digress. Really, there isn't anything different and if there IS ----- someone was hiding something and that something wasn't discussed in marital counseling (preparation for hashing out all the kinks before you seal the deal). But sometimes, no matter how much "hashing out" we do, there's always that part of us, our greatest sins/burdens, that gets out of the way when we need to deal with them the most (repressed to the farthest crevices in our minds as if it never happened) and  in the way when circumstances need nothing more than such a precise, cumbersome pile of garbage on top of everything else, inhibiting progress.

Recently, I did my "big chop." I cut off 4-6 inches of dry, brittle hair and am attempting to rock a short do. The plan is that it doesn't stay this way very long but gives my hair a chance to revive itself. Mark handed me the scissors (since I don't trust anyone around here to do it for me...I'm a half black girl in a Dutch community) and with all the support possible, he encouraged me to "be who I want to be" with my hair and Nike-it-up. "Just do it," he said as I wandered pathetically around the apartment weighing every single pro and con pre - the big chop. Now, here I am with a bare neck and fluffy little fro partially regretting my decision. He says he likes it, but he'd also like it if I was bald and had moles all over because, you see, my husband loves me for who God created me to be, not how I look. But for me, that can be frustrating.

It's not that Mark doesn't appreciate my physical attributes. In fact, he quite fancies them. (Woohoo!) But my husband's head is screwed on so straight that it is impossible for him to stoop down to my socially-blemished-and -illogical-mentality to criticize me for every flaw I have, which I too often torture myself with. He doesn't see the acne scars on my skin, the bloating in my stomach from some delicious soup or the way my haircut, in my mind, distorts my body proportion, etc.When I try to explain  exploit my flaws for some strange reason, he stares at me like I'm speaking a different language. But, after letting me spill all my self-insulting and destructive criticism, he softly walks over to me, wraps his arms around me and tells me I'm beautiful. Half the time he stops me in my tracks. He reminds me that of all people, his is the opinion that should matter the most, not someone outside our marriage (rude coworker, half-hearted friend, the media, etc.). He then reminds me that on top of THAT, my opinion of myself is what matters most. He then ends with reminding me that who I am in the Lord Jesus Christ, who God the Father created me to be and how I view these things is, and forever will be, the number one thing I should be concerned about.

If you know anything about me, you might not know that for the last 7 years of my life, I have battled eating disorders of all types all across the board. The tail-end of 2008 and beginning of 2009, I was consuming no more than around 400-700 calories a day and was "light as a feather, thin as a rail." I was lifeless. I was dull. I was hurting and my personality had died. Back up a couples years earlier and I was a high school student struggling to keep her food down, constantly pondering her next binge and purge like it was some high school crush that had been dramatically burned into my brain. To top it all off, I found myself in a relationship where an important person in my life spent more time talking to me about my body (both pros and cons) and taking advantage of my poor state of mind that I completely lost who I was and in 2009 - I felt dead; alone. I was burned out.  That's when the Lord brought Mark into my life (again).

Over time, the Lord has used him to help me control myself and any negative feedback I voluntarily concoct or chew. Counseling and breaking ties with those who've taken advantage of me helped  but ultimately it's a lifelong process. When I married Mark, these issues I'd dealt with long before he re-entered my life didn't just go away, but rather, I am continuing to learn how to handle them through the support of my husband and strength of my Savior.While it is proving to be no easy task, it is much better to soldier on with a teammate (and even better - one in the Lord!) than to struggle alone. 

While Mark and I were dating, I came across a Christian article focusing on things that men wished women knew in terms of relationships and "what guys think." I don't remember anything else except one gentleman's response which was along the lines of the following: "I wish that married women understood that when they look in the mirror and criticize themselves, the are also criticizing their husband's wife. They bring another person into their marriage who bashes the treasure of a man - the most valuable treasure. A husband and wife belong to each other. We are one. If you, the woman, insult yourself - you insult his wife and you also insult his taste in women - his decisions, ultimately insulting him for choosing you. No husband wants his woman to be ridiculed" (or his confidence insulted).

That stuck with me for awhile and I instantly relayed the article to Mark, appreciating the commentary. Sure enough, he has repeated that to me time and time again when I fall into those "woe is me" moments when I get hung up on what society/fashion says I should look like, do, be - whatever, instead of going back to the Word of God for my identity which isn't flawed, but it is perfect in the eyes of the Lord. It still is important to be healthy and dress myself well/appropriately, but the obsession has to stop. It isn't fitting for me, it isn't fitting for marriage and it isn't fitting for a daughter of the King.

1 Peter 2:9 says, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness in to His wonderful light." Did you hear that? Ladies! We are chosen! Royal! Holy! We mustn't dwell on the physical. In His sight, under the shed blood of Christ, we are beautiful because we are blemish free. Our sins are washed away. In it's place, we are "a people belonging to God."

If that doesn't make you want to throw those skinny jeans out the door and fall to your knees in adoration ------ I don't know what else will. Love yourself! Let your man love you - do not withhold yourself from him because you don't feel "beautiful enough"! KNOW that your Saviour loves you. Amen? Amen!

A horrible marriage...or a horrible mindset?

"A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord." - 1 Corinthians 7:39

I attend a junior college. Now, while at any college, there are those were married and are now divorced, those who are living with someone and those who perhaps are married but are cheating on their spouse, just because a college institution is considered "Christian" does NOT mean that it is free from humanity's shortcomings and temptations. With that being said though, there is, at least in most cases, more of a pull to be monogamous and abstinent in a Christian environment as opposed to a non-Christian environment and with that being said...I attend a school where promiscuity and divorce is a shug-off-your-shoulders situation. "It happens," people say, as if it's okay to break a lifelong promise.

It was during my anatomy course this morning when a bunch of women began, as we women so easily do, chatting about the various facets of life. While the other half of the class worked on a project and I sat alone studying, the group behind me carried on like a flocks of excited birds in a field. The conversation got more lively when the homework load for this particular class was mentioned. That led to all the women who had children and needed to find babysitters for when they were in school. Two of these women are married. One is not. One doesn't have a child, but has a boyfriend and one is divorced.

As the five women went on complaining about how busy their lives were with children and school, soon enough they began to complain about their husbands (rule #1) to each other like it was nothing. I got to know more about these men more than I would have liked, out respect for their privacy, but even sooner did one of the younger ladies say, "I'm NEVER getting married." The other, a similar age, shot a look of surprise at her saying, "Aren't you engaged?" as she looked down at the first woman's ring. "It's a promise ring."

Another woman piped up saying, "Don't. It's horrible. I wish I never had." Meanwhile, I was distracted by my own instructor in her own conversation with our class' interpreter for the deaf, saying how she and her husband "are just two people living in the same house" and sharing how they "don't even talk to each other anymore," splitting their money between themselves, etc. Well, that was it. I was so overwhelmed with heartache for these women (and quite insulted at the lack of respect for marriage), that I felt compelled to ask questions.

"You said to not get married - that it's so horrible...?" I said looking at my classmate. "Oh yeah," while another nodded along with her who replied, "I agree. Don't do it. It's awful." The one whom I asked continued saying, "It was much better before we got married. Living together was so much nicer. Things change over time and that...that energy just dies."

Things change over time? PEOPLE change over time! I thought to myself. Of course they do! So change with 'em! But what do I know. I've only been married for just under two months, right?

Another woman jumped in. "I was married for 27 years before my husband cheated on me for some little thing 16 years younger than him. I didn't suspect it - no one did. Our marriage was great. At least, I thought so. Then out of the blue, he cheated. I told him he could have me or her and soon we were done. But...I wouldn't trade those 27 years for anything and would do it over again if I could."

The group was silenced for a moment. 27 years blew them all away. Why? Why would spending 27 years of marriage our of a lifetime blow anyone away when saying your vows upon your wedding day includes 'til death do us part? That means forever, does it not? It wasn't long before the other ladies began ragging on men, marriage, etc., again and I tuned out. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt as if I was staring at a bunch of people who had no desire to get better, just complain and be content in that. More importantly, I felt as if the most beautiful part of my life was being mocked.

Now, I know what you might be thinking. Bethany, you don't know their story. Do not assume things! Just because people get married, doesn't mean it will last and sometimes when it does, it shouldn't. Men can be abusive. Women can cheat. People hide things until they are locked into "forever." You're only 21! What could you possibly understand? What experience have YOU?

Friends. Readers. Whoever you are. I do not look at one who is married and hates it or one who is divorced or one who cheats (because they feel they aren't getting what they need from their spouse, sexually/emotionally) as if they are wrong and I as if I hold all the answers. But let me ask you this: When a person decides and follows through with becoming married, are they not bound to that person, in covenant, for life (within reason. There are legitimate reasons for divorce such as unrepentant infidelity, abuse of the physical, sexual, financial, etc.)? And if their marriage is in the pits, what good is it to complain - and for that matter, to others (other than some form of a counselor in which they seek guidance)? Which one of these women acknowledge that, yes, their marriage was going through a rough patch but she is or is going to seek help to do whatever she could in her power to save it? Which one of these women advised the rest of us to take the choice of marital commitment with all precautions? None of them.

Marriage is not a game. It is not an opportunity to get together with someone and roll dice floating through "whatever happens" with the possibility of it just "not working out." When two people come together, they bring separate lives filled with different ideas, baggage,  approaches, expectations - the list goes on. But this is to be expected, seeing as we are humans each unique from the other, creating a beautiful population on this earth, though we are flawed. On the contrary, when we step out from within ourselves, our ideas, our predispositions and biases and we go back (or perhaps for the first time!) into the Word of God for a FRESH look at life, love, marriage - our hearts and our minds are drawn back to the original truths ordained by God in the garden of Eden, where our sovereign Lord joined together Adam and Eve.  We are taken back to when Christ gave Himself for His bride - us, the Church! You think that relationship wasn't without pain? Christ Himself felt the weight of our sins, that He might make us pure in our Father's sight. He was nailed to the cross and hung there, blasphemed, for us! But He didn't give up. If that isn't true love and the perfect model of marriage, I don't know what is.

I know this has been long, but my heart aches for today's ideas on marriage, on love, sex - everything that binds the soul for eternity. I wish I could wrap my arms around all those who are hurting in these areas, but I am flawed and the holes of my heart would not cover the raindrops of the world onto it's victims. They would still get burned. I just want people to understand that when you enter marriage, you cannot consider divorce as a way out straight from the beginning. You cannot take it so lightly. And you cannot lie to yourself about love.

The purpose, the beginning.

On August 3, 2012, I married a young man named Mark. Now, I could spend hours writing a book on how beautiful his heart is and how strong his desire to serve our Lord is, but I think you will better appreciate all of that through the words on this site, entry by entry. For this reason amongst others, I would like to explain the purpose of this blog.

It was the morning of my wedding and like all brides - I was rushing through prep work. Spraying all sorts of products into my hair to allow a flat iron to burn it straight and stink up a room was just the beginning. Sitting on the floor in front of my closet mirrors, I stared at myself. Spray, press. Spray, press. Little by little my hair was becoming straighter and all I could think of was what I was going to do next to "make myself look beautiful today." It was during this thought of all the work yet before me  when my now sister-in-law, Lauren, a God-honoring woman, entered the room. The other bridesmaids were somewhere else in the house and for a short while we were alone.

"Now that we're alone together, I would like to take a moment to read with you...." and before I could pull my flat iron to another section of hair, she sat herself down opening the Word of God to Proverbs 31 and from that moment on, the last bit of my heart that needed to evolve began it's journey.

¹⁰ Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
¹¹ The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
¹² She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
¹⁵ She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
¹⁶ She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
¹⁷ She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
¹⁸ She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
¹⁹ She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
²⁰ She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
²² She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
²⁶ She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
²⁷ She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
²⁹ Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
³⁰ Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

When she finished, after speaking to me a few kind words, her eyes began to rain softly as she tried to cover her face with her beautiful, shiny blond hair. I'd never seen her show this kind of emotion and it brought me to a beautiful and loud pause; a collision of realities. Part of me thought I had it all together - I was going to be Mark's wife soon. We did the marriage counseling, we dated, we got to know each other and now it was going to be solidified by God and the state of California. But while I knew that marriage takes works, truly becoming a wife was not by speaking vows and signing papers. God had laid out in His Word what is truly meant to be a wife, a virtuous woman sought by Him for his people, and that was a journey that did not end with "I do."

"Thank you, Lauren," I said as I looked over to her reflection in the mirror, watching this God-ordained moment unfold before me as if I was watching a film. She stood up with her strong cross-country legs and through the toss of her hair and the shifting of her eyes to the doorway, she softly said, " I love you" and with that, my soon-to-be sister left me, alone, to ponder what the Lord was trying to teach me in these last few hours as "a single woman."

If you will, please join me in the days, months, years of writing as I learn what it really means to become the wife of Mark, my husband, following as best God grants me, this layout in scripture. If you aren't married, perhaps the Lord could use this blog as a way to help prepare you for when He, if He wills is, brings His match into your life. If you are married, may God bless the wisdom He has already bestowed upon you through experience (probably more than I've yet had) and if it is His will, might He utilize these words as encouragement when you need it or however else He desires.

Friends, please join me in my journey to Becoming His Wife.