Simple beauty.

A simply beauty of marriage is this: When there are those around you who are angered at you and do not understand, perhaps even some of your closest friends, your spouse is there with you, praying, encouraging and listening. He'll listen to you jump from pro to con even past the point of his own exhaustion. He'll encourage you when you probably seem un-encourageable. He'll even lull you to sleep in his arms while your words are silent but frustration rains down your cheeks and onto his arms. A simple beauty of marriage is that you are never alone.

Can't do that!

Contrary to popular belief, having a Godly, loving, positive husband whom I married at a young age drives me to do better, not cause my life to go into some instant chaos, interrupting my previously lived single life. We prepared ourselves. We got premarital counseling. We read/are reading books together. We got advice. We prayed for guidance. We prepared for marriage as best we could and realistically altered our expectations. It's sad that so many people assumed the first 3 months of marriage would be awful, to lighten their actual words. If you go into something thinking you will fail...you will. Can't do that!

Food for thought.

Truth is, these first three months have been a lot easier than people told us they would be considering we were both full-time students with part time jobs and to some, even the fact that we didn't live together before we got married would make it "awful in the beginning" (which, I thought was a horrible way to approach marriage for a number of later-to-be-discussed-reasons).

Truth be told: if you go into something thinking you will fail....you will. Eliminate the negative. Work and pray hard for the positive. 

We only have 3 months under our belts, yes, but every tool we've used to overcome the hurdles we've already faced won't change over time. The problems just might be bigger.

*

But

God

 is even 

bigger

 than those.




 "I can do all things through 
Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"50 Cents A Piece"

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." Proverbs 17:22

Just a moment please.

I don't believe in luck, but I do belive in Providence. And Providence gave me the most wonderful husband.

He is so darn cute.

Thank You, Lord.

Where's Your Identity? Who's Your Beholder?

Here's one of my most cherished blog posts from a few years ago. I thought it was perfect for this site.

 

---

Titus 2:3-5
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

 

I'm nineteen years old. For the past three years, I've fought a hard battle between accepting who I am in the eyes of the Lord and who I am when I look in the mirror - what I think other people see. I'm no perfect size 3. My face has acne. My hair is frizzy and unlike all my friends around me - it's not smooth, elegant and "typical." I could go on and on about how much I stand out - I could go on and on about all the little things about me that get under my skin. I could go one forever about why I don't feel beautiful. But that's not what I'm here for.

Today I went to the annual Ladies Tea hosted by a church in Yuba City. Every year, friends, sisters, mothers, daughters, aunts and nieces gather for food and fellowship simply to bless one another with the love of Christ as we're all joined as His body. But this year, it was different for me. I saw things I'd seen before, but never really saw. I beheld, through my eyes and heart, older women who, like an adult before their own parents, reverenced themselves just like the children they were of their Father. These were women who have lived most of their lives, made their mistakes and yet still cling to the faithfulness and promises of their Savior.

There are many different types of women. There are quiet, loud, feminine, sporty - and all of these mixed up together per individual as well. But I've learned that no matter what type of woman one may be, her love and drive for the Gospel always brings her back to humiliation and submission to the One she serves. It is a passion that could bring even the rowdiest tomboy to her knees or the quietest, most hushed and coldest woman to a trickling of the softest whispers.

Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I've met young men that think me anything BUT attractive and others who think the world of me and likewise girls who view me the same as well on both sides. It's all subjective - looks and attraction (a hard lesson learned). But when I gazed upon the women of faith that surrounded me, women who taught me more in those couple of hours than those before them have in years of friendship, I saw more beauty in that fellowship hall than ever could be described because the beauty I saw started in their hearts and crept up to their smiles and burst out with a glimmer of kindness in their eyes. They truly became physically beautiful to me and I admired their dedication to Christ and His bride.

So what am I getting at here? I'll break it down nice and easy. Life is about relationships. We're humans destined to fall in love and some - to even marry and populate the earth. It's where I am currently in life that makes "being attractive" difficult because it's typical to dwell on all my mental and physical flaws. But at the end of the day, it's not how someone looks. It's not the car they drive or "the ice around their necks." It's about where their heart is and where they find their true happiness.  I pray that I continue to walk with the Lord so that one day I too may fully grasp how beautiful I am in His sight leading a legacy for those in my footsteps and that YOU as well might soldier on confidently for the Kingdom.

---

Proverbs 31:30

  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

"...From heavn' He came and sought her
 to be His holy bride.
And with His blood He bought her
 and for her life he died."

-A snippet from my favorite hymn, The Church's One Foundation

You insult yourself - you insult his wife. A confession from the editor.

I created this blog to share the truths - the truths of marriage. Not every marriage is the same. Each is unique while all holding the same basic principals for success. But what a lot of young women I have spoken with seem to think is that after you get married, it becomes about you and Mr. Perfect. All the other "stuff" before just goes away and you start your "new" life together. Even I was a little bit under this spell, as I think most brides are a little bit entitled to some fairytale drama during the emotion-packed engagement process, I knew from the beginning that my story, my life, would bring enough baggage to deal with thoughout my marriage. Truth is, nothing is really new when a man and woman join together. Lord willing, the two of you are virgins and it's the first time you've both lived together (and all which that entails...). If not, there is forgiveness in that - easily. But I digress. Really, there isn't anything different and if there IS ----- someone was hiding something and that something wasn't discussed in marital counseling (preparation for hashing out all the kinks before you seal the deal). But sometimes, no matter how much "hashing out" we do, there's always that part of us, our greatest sins/burdens, that gets out of the way when we need to deal with them the most (repressed to the farthest crevices in our minds as if it never happened) and  in the way when circumstances need nothing more than such a precise, cumbersome pile of garbage on top of everything else, inhibiting progress.

Recently, I did my "big chop." I cut off 4-6 inches of dry, brittle hair and am attempting to rock a short do. The plan is that it doesn't stay this way very long but gives my hair a chance to revive itself. Mark handed me the scissors (since I don't trust anyone around here to do it for me...I'm a half black girl in a Dutch community) and with all the support possible, he encouraged me to "be who I want to be" with my hair and Nike-it-up. "Just do it," he said as I wandered pathetically around the apartment weighing every single pro and con pre - the big chop. Now, here I am with a bare neck and fluffy little fro partially regretting my decision. He says he likes it, but he'd also like it if I was bald and had moles all over because, you see, my husband loves me for who God created me to be, not how I look. But for me, that can be frustrating.

It's not that Mark doesn't appreciate my physical attributes. In fact, he quite fancies them. (Woohoo!) But my husband's head is screwed on so straight that it is impossible for him to stoop down to my socially-blemished-and -illogical-mentality to criticize me for every flaw I have, which I too often torture myself with. He doesn't see the acne scars on my skin, the bloating in my stomach from some delicious soup or the way my haircut, in my mind, distorts my body proportion, etc.When I try to explain  exploit my flaws for some strange reason, he stares at me like I'm speaking a different language. But, after letting me spill all my self-insulting and destructive criticism, he softly walks over to me, wraps his arms around me and tells me I'm beautiful. Half the time he stops me in my tracks. He reminds me that of all people, his is the opinion that should matter the most, not someone outside our marriage (rude coworker, half-hearted friend, the media, etc.). He then reminds me that on top of THAT, my opinion of myself is what matters most. He then ends with reminding me that who I am in the Lord Jesus Christ, who God the Father created me to be and how I view these things is, and forever will be, the number one thing I should be concerned about.

If you know anything about me, you might not know that for the last 7 years of my life, I have battled eating disorders of all types all across the board. The tail-end of 2008 and beginning of 2009, I was consuming no more than around 400-700 calories a day and was "light as a feather, thin as a rail." I was lifeless. I was dull. I was hurting and my personality had died. Back up a couples years earlier and I was a high school student struggling to keep her food down, constantly pondering her next binge and purge like it was some high school crush that had been dramatically burned into my brain. To top it all off, I found myself in a relationship where an important person in my life spent more time talking to me about my body (both pros and cons) and taking advantage of my poor state of mind that I completely lost who I was and in 2009 - I felt dead; alone. I was burned out.  That's when the Lord brought Mark into my life (again).

Over time, the Lord has used him to help me control myself and any negative feedback I voluntarily concoct or chew. Counseling and breaking ties with those who've taken advantage of me helped  but ultimately it's a lifelong process. When I married Mark, these issues I'd dealt with long before he re-entered my life didn't just go away, but rather, I am continuing to learn how to handle them through the support of my husband and strength of my Savior.While it is proving to be no easy task, it is much better to soldier on with a teammate (and even better - one in the Lord!) than to struggle alone. 

While Mark and I were dating, I came across a Christian article focusing on things that men wished women knew in terms of relationships and "what guys think." I don't remember anything else except one gentleman's response which was along the lines of the following: "I wish that married women understood that when they look in the mirror and criticize themselves, the are also criticizing their husband's wife. They bring another person into their marriage who bashes the treasure of a man - the most valuable treasure. A husband and wife belong to each other. We are one. If you, the woman, insult yourself - you insult his wife and you also insult his taste in women - his decisions, ultimately insulting him for choosing you. No husband wants his woman to be ridiculed" (or his confidence insulted).

That stuck with me for awhile and I instantly relayed the article to Mark, appreciating the commentary. Sure enough, he has repeated that to me time and time again when I fall into those "woe is me" moments when I get hung up on what society/fashion says I should look like, do, be - whatever, instead of going back to the Word of God for my identity which isn't flawed, but it is perfect in the eyes of the Lord. It still is important to be healthy and dress myself well/appropriately, but the obsession has to stop. It isn't fitting for me, it isn't fitting for marriage and it isn't fitting for a daughter of the King.

1 Peter 2:9 says, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness in to His wonderful light." Did you hear that? Ladies! We are chosen! Royal! Holy! We mustn't dwell on the physical. In His sight, under the shed blood of Christ, we are beautiful because we are blemish free. Our sins are washed away. In it's place, we are "a people belonging to God."

If that doesn't make you want to throw those skinny jeans out the door and fall to your knees in adoration ------ I don't know what else will. Love yourself! Let your man love you - do not withhold yourself from him because you don't feel "beautiful enough"! KNOW that your Saviour loves you. Amen? Amen!

A horrible marriage...or a horrible mindset?

"A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord." - 1 Corinthians 7:39

I attend a junior college. Now, while at any college, there are those were married and are now divorced, those who are living with someone and those who perhaps are married but are cheating on their spouse, just because a college institution is considered "Christian" does NOT mean that it is free from humanity's shortcomings and temptations. With that being said though, there is, at least in most cases, more of a pull to be monogamous and abstinent in a Christian environment as opposed to a non-Christian environment and with that being said...I attend a school where promiscuity and divorce is a shug-off-your-shoulders situation. "It happens," people say, as if it's okay to break a lifelong promise.

It was during my anatomy course this morning when a bunch of women began, as we women so easily do, chatting about the various facets of life. While the other half of the class worked on a project and I sat alone studying, the group behind me carried on like a flocks of excited birds in a field. The conversation got more lively when the homework load for this particular class was mentioned. That led to all the women who had children and needed to find babysitters for when they were in school. Two of these women are married. One is not. One doesn't have a child, but has a boyfriend and one is divorced.

As the five women went on complaining about how busy their lives were with children and school, soon enough they began to complain about their husbands (rule #1) to each other like it was nothing. I got to know more about these men more than I would have liked, out respect for their privacy, but even sooner did one of the younger ladies say, "I'm NEVER getting married." The other, a similar age, shot a look of surprise at her saying, "Aren't you engaged?" as she looked down at the first woman's ring. "It's a promise ring."

Another woman piped up saying, "Don't. It's horrible. I wish I never had." Meanwhile, I was distracted by my own instructor in her own conversation with our class' interpreter for the deaf, saying how she and her husband "are just two people living in the same house" and sharing how they "don't even talk to each other anymore," splitting their money between themselves, etc. Well, that was it. I was so overwhelmed with heartache for these women (and quite insulted at the lack of respect for marriage), that I felt compelled to ask questions.

"You said to not get married - that it's so horrible...?" I said looking at my classmate. "Oh yeah," while another nodded along with her who replied, "I agree. Don't do it. It's awful." The one whom I asked continued saying, "It was much better before we got married. Living together was so much nicer. Things change over time and that...that energy just dies."

Things change over time? PEOPLE change over time! I thought to myself. Of course they do! So change with 'em! But what do I know. I've only been married for just under two months, right?

Another woman jumped in. "I was married for 27 years before my husband cheated on me for some little thing 16 years younger than him. I didn't suspect it - no one did. Our marriage was great. At least, I thought so. Then out of the blue, he cheated. I told him he could have me or her and soon we were done. But...I wouldn't trade those 27 years for anything and would do it over again if I could."

The group was silenced for a moment. 27 years blew them all away. Why? Why would spending 27 years of marriage our of a lifetime blow anyone away when saying your vows upon your wedding day includes 'til death do us part? That means forever, does it not? It wasn't long before the other ladies began ragging on men, marriage, etc., again and I tuned out. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt as if I was staring at a bunch of people who had no desire to get better, just complain and be content in that. More importantly, I felt as if the most beautiful part of my life was being mocked.

Now, I know what you might be thinking. Bethany, you don't know their story. Do not assume things! Just because people get married, doesn't mean it will last and sometimes when it does, it shouldn't. Men can be abusive. Women can cheat. People hide things until they are locked into "forever." You're only 21! What could you possibly understand? What experience have YOU?

Friends. Readers. Whoever you are. I do not look at one who is married and hates it or one who is divorced or one who cheats (because they feel they aren't getting what they need from their spouse, sexually/emotionally) as if they are wrong and I as if I hold all the answers. But let me ask you this: When a person decides and follows through with becoming married, are they not bound to that person, in covenant, for life (within reason. There are legitimate reasons for divorce such as unrepentant infidelity, abuse of the physical, sexual, financial, etc.)? And if their marriage is in the pits, what good is it to complain - and for that matter, to others (other than some form of a counselor in which they seek guidance)? Which one of these women acknowledge that, yes, their marriage was going through a rough patch but she is or is going to seek help to do whatever she could in her power to save it? Which one of these women advised the rest of us to take the choice of marital commitment with all precautions? None of them.

Marriage is not a game. It is not an opportunity to get together with someone and roll dice floating through "whatever happens" with the possibility of it just "not working out." When two people come together, they bring separate lives filled with different ideas, baggage,  approaches, expectations - the list goes on. But this is to be expected, seeing as we are humans each unique from the other, creating a beautiful population on this earth, though we are flawed. On the contrary, when we step out from within ourselves, our ideas, our predispositions and biases and we go back (or perhaps for the first time!) into the Word of God for a FRESH look at life, love, marriage - our hearts and our minds are drawn back to the original truths ordained by God in the garden of Eden, where our sovereign Lord joined together Adam and Eve.  We are taken back to when Christ gave Himself for His bride - us, the Church! You think that relationship wasn't without pain? Christ Himself felt the weight of our sins, that He might make us pure in our Father's sight. He was nailed to the cross and hung there, blasphemed, for us! But He didn't give up. If that isn't true love and the perfect model of marriage, I don't know what is.

I know this has been long, but my heart aches for today's ideas on marriage, on love, sex - everything that binds the soul for eternity. I wish I could wrap my arms around all those who are hurting in these areas, but I am flawed and the holes of my heart would not cover the raindrops of the world onto it's victims. They would still get burned. I just want people to understand that when you enter marriage, you cannot consider divorce as a way out straight from the beginning. You cannot take it so lightly. And you cannot lie to yourself about love.

The Rules of A Wife.

*This list, which is in not particular order, will be forever growing , so keep coming back for more!*

1. A wife does not

The greatest things a wife can ever do for her husband is to first, pray for him without ceasing and to secondly, show him respect.

Fights are like mice: A personal blog.

Lest I somehow try to pull something together out of my own frail and human wit, I have dedicated this blog solely to rediscovering those moments when the Lord sends a situation that, without confusion, slaps me across the face with nothing but a sure message (and a little sting), not to be tainted by my own findings. This, my friends, is what I had but only minutes ago.

My husband, Mark, and I recently had one of our "petty" fights. It wasn't at all about money, school, work, future kids - nothing of the sort. It wasn't even a BIG issue. In fact, it was simply a disagreement on how we both reacted in WalMart last night, of all places and things. In FACT, had I not let it get to me....I wouldn't be here right now typing. Ha! Now let me remind you - Mark tends to be more logical, organized and smart. I tend to be, naturally, emotional, dramatic, stubborn and without all sense of logic in my worst stages. This can create an interesting scene now and then. Anyways, with that being said, I did NOT not go to bed angry. Instead, I allowed myself to feel ignored, embarrassed and irritated while, of course, sulking (mind you, I am 21, not 12.).

This morning was awkward. Least, for me. Because I hadn't confronted Mark with kindness, wisdom and respect (vs. 26) last night (and I had an hour long trip from Sioux Falls, SD, to do it!) and allowed it all to settle throughout all my sleep stages, I woke up deshoveled. This was my first no-no. A wife must always confront her husband with respect. We women tend to easily be spiteful whether in mood or word and we don't have to even act mean to do it! We are quite manipulative beings with the gift of seeing all those little details that some men might miss but sometimes all those little things overwhelm us and we pop. I popped.

Church was wonderful and so was the fellowship. But remember! I had a bone to pick with my husband and I wasn't going to let THAT go (*yikes*)! So, after walking home with other college students, laughing and (genuinely) enjoying my time, Mark and I departed to our apartment and there lies where my second no-no struck. Immediately after I opened the door and put down my purse, I let it out. I pounced on him about the night before like it had just happened two minutes ago. A wife must never  address her husband in a bullet-point list of his, what she assumes to be, shortcomings...especially in an emotional ambush. In just a few seconds our voices raised slightly and we went nowhere. I was more concerned about proving myself than working out a problem and I did him no good service of supporting him in love and respect by doing so (vs. 12) which, gave way to a quiet and awkward afternoon.

Well, I'd had it. I was tired enough as it was from last night's late time in South Dakota and as much as emotions were running high on top of that - I decided to lie down on the couch. It wasn't but three minutes after that I saw a small dark shadow run across the floor. Instantly, as if the Lord Himself had been sitting right next to me, my mind shot a thought loud and clear: There's going to be a lesson here.
Within seconds, it appeared again and this time I knew for sure that it was a mouse. I let out a wail, Mark entered the room and for the next few minutes we moved boxes and our couch to find the rodent, working together as a team to solve the issue. Finally, the little thing was captured, taken care of, and Mark and I came back into our small apartment quietly.  I see what you're doing here, Lord. I get it. I know what I need to do, I thought like a child who had been scolded  at school, sent to apologize to a classmate. I walked over to my husband (who was smiling as if God had spoken to him as well) with open arms and tears, and we exchanged apologies and ideas on how to better settle both the original situation and the reactions following that caused the chaos.

Most fights are like mice. Now, Mark and I have only been married for just over three weeks, but we have been together long enough before that to know what it's like to bicker. Most fights are like mice because they are small, silly things that really do no harm but irritate and disrupt peace. Ever tried to catch a mouse on your own? It's not easy. Left to yourself, tactics can fail and when that happens, you've no other support. But working together in love and respect in accordance with God as your center can do nothing BUT sort out all the tangles. Sure, I'll find something else to whine and sulk about and he'll find something else to get irritated with, but left to ourselves we will solve nothing. We are a team. We no longer are individuals with all the right answers. We answer to God together and in Him alone can we overcome all things........including hunts for mice.

The purpose, the beginning.

On August 3, 2012, I married a young man named Mark. Now, I could spend hours writing a book on how beautiful his heart is and how strong his desire to serve our Lord is, but I think you will better appreciate all of that through the words on this site, entry by entry. For this reason amongst others, I would like to explain the purpose of this blog.

It was the morning of my wedding and like all brides - I was rushing through prep work. Spraying all sorts of products into my hair to allow a flat iron to burn it straight and stink up a room was just the beginning. Sitting on the floor in front of my closet mirrors, I stared at myself. Spray, press. Spray, press. Little by little my hair was becoming straighter and all I could think of was what I was going to do next to "make myself look beautiful today." It was during this thought of all the work yet before me  when my now sister-in-law, Lauren, a God-honoring woman, entered the room. The other bridesmaids were somewhere else in the house and for a short while we were alone.

"Now that we're alone together, I would like to take a moment to read with you...." and before I could pull my flat iron to another section of hair, she sat herself down opening the Word of God to Proverbs 31 and from that moment on, the last bit of my heart that needed to evolve began it's journey.

¹⁰ Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
¹¹ The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
¹² She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
¹⁵ She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
¹⁶ She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
¹⁷ She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
¹⁸ She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
¹⁹ She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
²⁰ She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
²² She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
²⁶ She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
²⁷ She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
²⁹ Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
³⁰ Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

When she finished, after speaking to me a few kind words, her eyes began to rain softly as she tried to cover her face with her beautiful, shiny blond hair. I'd never seen her show this kind of emotion and it brought me to a beautiful and loud pause; a collision of realities. Part of me thought I had it all together - I was going to be Mark's wife soon. We did the marriage counseling, we dated, we got to know each other and now it was going to be solidified by God and the state of California. But while I knew that marriage takes works, truly becoming a wife was not by speaking vows and signing papers. God had laid out in His Word what is truly meant to be a wife, a virtuous woman sought by Him for his people, and that was a journey that did not end with "I do."

"Thank you, Lauren," I said as I looked over to her reflection in the mirror, watching this God-ordained moment unfold before me as if I was watching a film. She stood up with her strong cross-country legs and through the toss of her hair and the shifting of her eyes to the doorway, she softly said, " I love you" and with that, my soon-to-be sister left me, alone, to ponder what the Lord was trying to teach me in these last few hours as "a single woman."

If you will, please join me in the days, months, years of writing as I learn what it really means to become the wife of Mark, my husband, following as best God grants me, this layout in scripture. If you aren't married, perhaps the Lord could use this blog as a way to help prepare you for when He, if He wills is, brings His match into your life. If you are married, may God bless the wisdom He has already bestowed upon you through experience (probably more than I've yet had) and if it is His will, might He utilize these words as encouragement when you need it or however else He desires.

Friends, please join me in my journey to Becoming His Wife.